We are now rounding second base on my third year here in the ever-lovely city of Chongqing. The new and overwhelmingness of China has subsided a bit. I don't think it will ever be gone completely. But I'm certainly more experienced than the crazy little 22 year old that got off the plane in Chongqing two and a half years ago.
I just rolled back into the country a few days ago after a whirlwind circumnavigation of the globe. Over the past two months I've been in 5 countries on 3 continents. I've been in brand new countries and in my hometown. I've met new friends, seen old friends, caught up with almost all of the important people in my life. Looked forward into what the future has in store. It's all been wonderful and refreshing to my soul in ways that I can't articulate.
But being a vagabond and constantly about to leave the place I am has gotten me thinking about what "home" means to me.
As I'm sure anyone who has lived overseas for any extended period of time can tell you, the concept of home gets blurred. Now, I refer to both Lexington and Chongqing as "home"- sometimes Lexington is "home home" for clarification purposes (oddly enough, that isn't always the most clarifying). And both are home and both are not.
I think I have this ridiculous desire to be a puzzle piece. To settle somewhere and fit perfectly without effort. But people aren't puzzle pieces, and the world we live in isn't a puzzle. Chongqing and Lexington don't have Elizabeth shaped holes that I fit neatly into.
Lexington is my hometown. It's the place I grew up and there is an indescribable comfort that comes from being there surrounded by family and friends and the familiar. But Lexington is also the place that I am in only 3-6 weeks a year. It's the place that is changing while I'm away. New restaurants are built. Children grow up. Friends get married and move away. My college friends have full time jobs. I have to use Google maps now to meet up with people. It's changing. It's different than the Lexington I know.
Chongqing is the place I live. It's the epitome of my independent life: the first place I moved by myself, my first non-student job, my first home without a roommate. It's where I am for my everyday life. It's where I have stability after two months of travel. But I'm still a foreigner here. I don't speak the language and I need help to do commonplace errands. I'm constantly outside my comfort zone and I sometimes feel like I'm feeling around in the dark just to get by. The cultural differences have become common, but they will always be differences.
While reading back over the last few paragraphs, it seems like a really depressing outlook. But I am far from that. Not to worry viewers at home! I think it's beautiful because right now, "home" is this thing that is not about how easy my life is or how comfortable I am.
It's about being where I'm supposed to be.
Living in China is hard, but it's where I'm supposed to be. Traveling back to Kentucky for three weeks is hard, but it's what I needed to do. And there is a peace that comes from being exhausted and stressed and confused, but knowing with absolute certainty that you are in the right place.
Right now, home is not a place. It's the little things that remind me of that peace the surpasses understanding. The things that show me what a joy and privilege it is that I get to be where I am.
Home is sitting around the table with friends from around Asia and catching up on the struggles and joys of the past year. It's eating dinner with my parents. It's making faces at Chinese children on the bus. It's reminiscing about college with friends. It's dancing around my tiny kitchen while I bake cookies. It's running into students on the street. It's being mistaken for Norwegian and asked if I know English. It's celebrating my friend get married. It's drinking coffee. It's binge watching New Girl and eating pizza. It's fighting off monkeys who try to steal my dinner.
JK- it is NOT that last one. Monkeys are the worst.
Thinking about it like this has been a huge help to me. It take a ton of pressure off of me to be prefect. Belonging somewhere has so much less to do with who I am, but who I belong to. And He has so graciously given me home with Him. And the joys that He has given me here are just the slightest glimpses.
So, this post has been a lot of reflective rambling. Don't worry, the funny stories of my misadventures will return. This has just been on my mind. Love you all!
No comments:
Post a Comment